I am superstitious. In the 21ish months that we’ve been “trying” I can remember 21 clearly defining moments. The moment when my mind/heart/soul is singing “I know I’m prego, my (*)(*) are sore, I feel queasy, it right” and then suddenly “you’re not pregnant, you’re not pregnant, ha-ha-haha-ha you’re not pregnant” creeps in. Each of these 21 thoughts has been followed by a desperate logical reasoning session (i.e. Michelle v. Michelle – guess who wins) which inevitably ends in “Dear God, I’m stressed out, please give me peace and comfort and I trust you.” Hmmmm, not to shabby. Except, that is it has NEVER failed that after the “trust you” prayer I discover that I am still empty, like a vase when it’s not a holiday. I’ve discovered a new Murphy’s law formula, (hope x time = creepin feeling = dread = NOT PREGNANT)
Since I started taking “the” pills I’ve had completely unguarded optimism that this cycle will 100% be successful. How could it be any other way? My body feels ready. My heart feels ready. Baker seems ready. We are ready. Set. Go. Why wouldn’t this work? And then…
…it creeps, yeeeah, just to keep it on the down low said nobody’s supposed to knooow, yeaaaaaaah….”what if it doesn’t work? Nobody I know has ever gotten “it” to work on the first cycle (except for one blighted ovum – please say a prayer for this person), I bet God will test me just to see if I can stand it another time, maybe God thinks you’ll totally suck as a parent and so he wants to make you fight for it, what if this is an exercise in futility, what if I die during the egg retrieval, what if I get pg and lose it, what if I get pg and tell everyone who reads this and then something goes wrong, what if after the humility of fertility issues I have to “survive” the humility of miscarriage (due to the baby self aborting because of chromosomal defects, as is the case with most miscarriages, or worse due to something wrong with my womb), I just got the feeling like this might not work.” The sign, the tale tale signal of a NEGATIVE pregnancy test….doubt.
So which is the jinx…the hope or the doubt.
Please comment. What to do….
A. Hope, unbated, outright disgustingly positive outlook that this WILL 100% work…and risk the debilitating heartache of devastation.
B. Guard the heart. Walk on eggshells, try not to think about any of it. Just go through the motions.
C. Start preparing for another failure. Know that this won’t work, and console myself with the thought that if I don’t get pregnant I can’t miscarry. Prep for another round of needles. Surely it will work the second time around. Give it up to God (cause that’s worked the past 21 times). Ok, ok I know that’s low, but it’s only human to go there.
