Bun Quest

42 – the number of days until August 5th. Which is significant and exciting because August 5th is the date of our first RE appt to map out our plan for IVF #2!  Call me crazy!

And how did Julia feel about leaving sunny Caleeforneeah?

Naturally, we took our six seven month old baby to Disneyland…and stayed there from 10AM until midnight. And what you ask, does a baby do at Disneyland?

Julia rode:

Buzz Lightyear Astro Blasters (wow, that sounds seriously bad)

Peter Pan’s Flight

Mad Tea Party (more affectionately known as “the teacups”)

Dumbo the Flying Elephant

Alice in Wonderland

It’s a Small World

Pirates of the Carribean

(Babies of any age are allowed to ride any ride that does not have a height restriction, but that’s all we had time for before she went “night-night” in her stroller, oh and, Disney has a rider swap program in which one parent can stay with the baby while the rest of the family rides and then when they’re done the next parent can ride – along with the family if they want to ride again – without waiting in line. So that was really nice!)

Julia explored:

Main Street

&

Toon Town

And of course, Julia shopped:

And shopped some more, because a girl can never have too many mouse ears:

Julia is our little fish who loves swimming in placid, warm water! Julia is our little minow who detests frigid, rushing water, and waves taller than she is!

We took a trip to Cali in honor of the hub’s littlest brother’s graduation. Prepare for a flurry of posts! Witness the cuteness of the party dress for the  graduation (though it’s partly obscured by all the sugar her second cousin is giving her)!!!

Hubs and I decided to be a good little family and insist on a TV free dinner at the table, just the 3 of us. So there we sat, eating our steak and salads while Julia played with some alphabet blocks in her high chair. I notice her lil’chubby hand clutching the “L” block with a Momma lion and cub inside.

So I say, “Look Julia, lions!” “L for lion!” in my cuddliest voice.

When suddenly, hubs says “A lion says (this in a normal voice)…ROOOOOAAAAARRRRR (at the top of his lungs and in his most ferocious voice)”

Much like this:

Clearly Julia was terrified, her little eyes practically popped out of their sockets and in a split second the tears were flowing freely and Daddy was backtracking faster than a camper who saw a grizzly and Mommy was working hard to console our lil luv muffin while choking back the laughter.

Who is worse? Hubs for his ROAR or me for laughing!

Ch-Ch-Check her out! It’s official, Mommy and Daddy can no longer “just let her be”.  She now requires constant supervision as evidenced by these pictures and the fact that they were taken not too long after I pryed my flip flop out of her mouth. Skeevy, icky, icky, poo.

I worry. And then, I worry more. I worry about worrying. Worry is my chief sin. I have a very hard time trusting authority figures who say they love me. As one can deduce, this makes it hard for me to trust God. Even before the hubs and I started “trying” I worried about infertility. So of course I googled and I found blogs, and then I worried that we would be one of “those” couples. That we would have to be humilated and forced to endure IVF, that our most sacred and intimate act of creating life would be reduced to cold sterility of medical intervention. Well, we are subfertile, we had to endure IVF. But it wasn’t so bad. We put on our happy face, set out to make the best, told too many inappropriate jokes to our MD’s to count, and determined to cherish the rare opportunity to see our baby be placed in my womb and to have pictures of our Julia when she was cellular. God used this for good and we are better people now then we were before IVF. Depsite this, once Julia was born I pretty much began obessively worrying that either 1) God would take me away from Julia or 2) God would take Julia away from me. Does it make me a bad person that I would rather He take Julia from me than me from Julia? I say that only because many of my friends/family have passed and I know the sorrow that comes with that loss. I just would hate for Julia to grow up with that loss.

I have read a lot of blogs of women/couples who have endured such sorrow as pregnancy loss, stillbirth, and infant loss. I pray for them constantly. But I had to make a rule not to read these blogs because they only make me sad and full of worry. Today, I broke my rule and as they say, curiosity kills the cat. Here I sit, mascara all over my face, sobbing for a baby I never knew and questioning why must there be dead babies? Why must there be sick babies? Why are babies born still? Why? Why? Why? I am ashamed of this questioning. I know that these things happen no matter how much one trusts God and no matter how much one loves God or how much God love one and that is just very hard for me to get past. I also know that any mother that has suffered such a loss would tell me to quit crying and go enjoy my perfectly healthy baby, and to stop worrying because it’s huge waste of heart resources and time, that in the event that my lil’muff-in ever did fall gravely ill I would regret not basking in her now. I know. I know. I KNOW, that God’s plan is better than my best. But I just have a hard time letting go. 

I recently heard this story (I think it is a Native American parable), it has helped me resist the urge to worry obessively, it goes like this.

Inside of every person there are two wolves, they are fighting. One wolf will win, and one wolf will lose. One wolf is anger, hate, worry, sin, greed, doubt, self pity, negativity etc. The other wolf is hope, happiness, peace, love, trust, serenity, and so on. Which wolf wins? The one you feed. 

*Clearly this is a post I have written in a total emotional mess. Should we take bets if maybe MrsYak will get her monthly friend back soon?

Jewels likes swinging, a lot! I stuffed her and her highchair/shopping cart cover in the swing b/c she’s still a lil’ too small for it.

How did Julia feel about her first dip in the swimming pool?