Went in to the RE today and we put together a new plan after today’s results.
Today’s results were:
Beta – 1
Sono – No major cysts, but my O girls are still enlarged w/ a few corpus luteum cysts.
Plan:
BCP’s, tonight through 11.22.2009.
Baseline sono = 11.20.2009.
Stims = 11.28.2009
Target retrieval = 12.08/9/10/or 11.
Target transfer = 12.13/14/15/ or 16.
Target Betas = 12.22/23/24/ or 25th
Target Due dates = 08.28 – 09.02.2010
Prayers please!
My fellow infertiles, today definantly counts as cycle day 1. Ick. For my fertile friends, that was code for, today is the first “full flow” day. Ick. To be honest, today was harder than I thought. Even though it’s just like a excessively heavy, clotty period (think lochia), it really hurts to know that there are babies in there. (sigh and tear)
Called the RE. Requested new nurse. Got new nurse. Love new nurse. Have new plan.
1. Friday – Beta and ultrasound.
Plan A: If my ovaries show no residual stimulation/cysts. Consider going straight to stims pendind additional blood work.
Plan B: If my ovaries are still stimmed up from this chemical (extremely likely) start BCP’s and down regulate. Get beta down to zero. Target date to start stims = 11.28.2009.
And my all time favorite question is….Does that make me crazy?
I have a disease. The coxsackie virus, a variation of Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease. Mmm. Mmm. Lick my hives Batman! I jest. I jest. Man oh man, I’m resorting to vulgar humor!
On the baby front, had some red spotting today, but nothing crazy – we’ll see what happens. Does anyone remember that Cosby episode where Rudy’s This loss is not very tangible, and I am grateful that this loss is so early and that I haven’t had weeks and months to bond only to be overwhelmed with grief. I am grateful for that. I prayer often for women who have suffered those losses, never in a million years could I fathom that sorrow.
So, what I was sure was going to turn into a full on bleed, didn’t. But, the insane itchiness and rash has become a lot more widespread, albeit transient…it’s so weird, it jumps around. Temp is 99.1, so that’s better.
I’ve started the bleed. I also have broken out in hives and an itchy rash on the bottom of my feet and the palms of my hands. I probably still have a fever, but I haven’t taken it.
Well – I’ve had a whole day to process now, and I’m most bothered by the fact that I’m not more bothered by this chemical pg. Does it suck? Of course. But, I’m very proud that during this last cycle I prayed only for God’s will, I did not pray the desperate begging, pleading prayers of the Julia cycle. And while the outcome was not a real live baby, having prayed only for God’s will has left me with peace. For a chronic worrier like me, that’s HUGE. For the past day I have been thanking God for His peace and His plan, and then I think about “the loss” and try to worry about it, but I can’t…it’s like there’s some kind of spiritual, Star Wars-esque, force field that is preventing my brain from worrying. For the first time in my life I can honestly say that it feels good to not be in control.
I think I’ll just let myself wallow for a day or two, wallow and bleed. Bleed and wallow. I’ll be a big clotty mess. Mmmmm. While I’m at it, I’ll speculate as to what is causing my 101 fever and raging back/chest pain when I swallow, with a neg. sono and neg. bloodwork. PCP says that it’s likely esophageal spasm and reflux. She wants me on Prevacid. I HATE medicine. HATE it, but I guess I’ll give it a try and see what happens. I certaintly would hate to interupt my bleeding and wallowing with another pain filled sleepless night.
*Obviously, this is pretty dramatic. I do not need to be on suicide watch or anything like that. But I’m sure flushing my partially implanted babies down the toliet is really going to suck. On the plus side, I can drink alcohol and eat Advil.
Apparently, this was a chemical romance. Beta is 25. Will stop the PIO shots, and go back next Friday to see what the beta has done (hopefully, back to zero).
For those of y’all that are lucky enough not to know, a chemical pregnancy is a pregnancy in which the baby only partially implants. This partial implantation is usually the result of a chromosomally abnormal baby. It’s God’s way of sparing a life of suffering. Having been raised around a profoundly disabled uncle, I can appreciate God sparing our child this fate.
Also, I’m waiting to hear back from my PCP as I’m having pretty severe back and right sided chest pain, espcially when I swallow. Fever is 101.
My 48 hour beta was pushed to Friday. Mainly, because when I went to get the progesterone checked (it was great at 29) they also ran a beta. So on Wednesday, 10 dp 5dt (that’s 10 days past 5 day transfer for you fertiles) , my beta increase in 24 hours was a whopping 3. Which brought my total beta to 33. Deep breath. Deep breath. I requested to speak with my RE directly, and she calmed me down quite a bit. She conceded that 30 is lower than she expected, but that it’s much to early to throw the towel in. I’m going for a beta tomorrow, Friday, the RE said that if it’s not “well over 60″ then we’ll discontinue the PIO and let nature takes it’s course. Please, everyone, stay on you “situation/red phone” to God!
Beta (HCG level) is 30. 10 is considered positive. With Julia my beta was 238. I’m still spotting. Had a few mild cramps today, but less then yesterday. My boobs have “felt pregnant” but that’s about all. Oh, man have I been crying. I’m working super hard at being excited for a positive! But those of us familar with the IF world know that 30 can ominous. On the other hand, it can be normal. I’ll be making it a point to trust God and His will, whatever it may be. It’s obviously my heart’s desire that God is giving us the oppurtunity to witness a miracle. Please, everyone, pray. I’m going back in on Thursday for another beta, it needs to at least double, the higher the number the better.
