Terror

Tuesday, March 11, 2008 · Filed under Baby Yak (aka bun)

Ok, seriously I’m not nervous. I am SCARED and terrified of a negative beta tomorrow. Not just because it means that we will have to do this whole thing (that we’ve been working on since January) again, this time not covered by insurance, but because it will mean that all my symptoms are imagined. That I’ve psychosomatically caused myself to bloat so bad that I secretly unbutton my pants at every opportunity.  That my internal monologue is total crap. That the little conversations I have had with my babies were meaningless. That my secret feelings are “wrong” – again, as they have been since April 2006.  That we are in the same place we were way back then. That after we have created embryos, my body killed them (or alternatively, that my uterus just didn’t feel like home). That nothing has changed, at least not for the better.

 

Even thinking about the beta makes me want to cry. I am extremely hopeful, but I’ve sat through the “sorry, sweetie, you’re not pregnant” phone call more than once.