Feelings, nothing more than feelings…

Infertility seriously messes with your heart.

I am loving being pregnant, but trying to relax is taking an actual conscious effort. I feel like if I just assume that all is well and go on being pregnant like nothing bad could happen, you know…let my guard down, that somehow this is disrespectful to God, and that I’m showing him some element of taking all this joy for granted, like I’m ungrateful or something. Clearly, that’s not true. I know that God has blessed me and that I should just quit the internal banter and enjoy it. It’s just easier said than done.

I cannot say enough how much I am absolutely adoring being pregnant and how lucky I feel that our very first IVF worked. I do however, feel generally icky. I feel tired. I feel ravenous…like I might have to eat your liver with some fava beans and a nice (non-alcoholic) chianti should you even dream of stalling me in getting food. I am so hungry all the time. I eat so much that I get bored while eating and inpatient with how long it’s taking me to feel full, so I give up and just deal with being hungry until I get so starving that I feel nauseous. It’s a vicious cycle. I am bloated beyond bloated….at times, like the end of the day when there are at least 4 – 5 full meals just lingering in there, twice the size of my egg retrieval bloat. I am incapable of “passing” (this is my official attempt at delicacy) anything that doesn’t appear like a handful of playground rocks (you know those little ones they put under the swings and such?). I feel twinges here and there, and every now and then a random cramp. I just keep remembering how much I love being pregnant, and how much all my other “blog friends” who are still trying would love to trade me places, and then I feel guilty for feeling icky.


3 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    s.e. said,

    Don’t feel too guilty. Feeling icky sucks too! My prego friend eats oatmeal everyday to help with the “playground rocks”. Cute description!

  2. 2

    Lumos80 said,

    yup…icky is the right word.u feel hungry becoz there are 2 in there,am telling u!!The days I’m not constantly nauseas,I get hungry after every 2 hours.Plus am already sporting a good bit of tummy;)So urs isn’t far away.
    Good Luck to u.As for the supersition,it doesn’t leave alone.You just have to mentally push it back.Also a word of advice.Don’t chk google no more.Freaked me out several times by now.Enjoy being preggo honey:P

  3. 3

    ~Carrie said,

    Your ‘Silence of the Lambs’ reference cracked me up! Don’t feel guilty about feeling ‘icky’ – not loving feeling tired, bloated, nauseas and hungry doesn’t mean you don’t appreciate being pregnant!
    It’s so hard to just “relax” once you become pregnant after struggling with infertility. I’m in a similar situation – first IVF worked (I even feel like if I say ‘it worked’ I will jinx something!) and I have a hard time relaxing, just assuming things will be ok. I’m trying, but I think it’s very natural to worry. Plus, I think we tend to be more aware of what can happen because we’ve seen it happen to others who have dealt with IF. I wish I could get an u/s every week and now I have to go weeks without one. I love being ‘p’ too but this fatigue is VERY annoying though of course would rather be a walking zombie than to not be ‘p’. I fight hunger all the time too, and keep reading that you don’t need extra calories until the 2nd trimester (HUH??? !!) which really has me confused!

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