Sometimes late at night (past 6pm) I think about odd and random things. I checked on Natalie at Relaxing Doesn’t Make Babies today, and cried after reading her post about the memorial they had for Devin. I read Monica Mingo’s website and her 4th IVF attempt was not successful despite everything being “perfect” (and that she had pneumonia during the TWW). Then I got to thinking, why?

Why do we need an answer to why? Why do we even want an answer to why? If why was answered (assuming there even is an answer) would it create suffering or peace? Is why a question that God cares about, is it even in His realm of being? Or is why something that humans invented because we can’t stand the possibility that things happen on their own completely out of our control. How do God’s will and our free will play into why?

I don’t think that purpose and why are the same thing. I think that some things occur purposefully, but maybe not all things. Maybe some events just occur. The idea that everything has a purpose seems to imply that bad things were purposed  to happen with malice and aforethought and such. The idea that there is always a why implies that somewhere there lies blame/credit. Why is a couple infertile? Certainly not because of any fault of their own, certainly not b/c God felt like their marriage needed a struggle, etc. Maybe it just is. I believe that God works good into everything, a silver lining so to speak, no matter how thin. But, I think that generally He’s working with results and not causes.

Now, with all this talk of why, I’m talking about an intangible why. For example, not why is the sky blue = because of the prism and water in the atmosphere. But, why was the sky created in such a way that blue would be the color of the prism that is reflected, rather than any of the others? Maybe the issue here is human tendency to believe in absolutes, if there is a why for one thing then there must be a why for everything. Maybe that’s just not true and there is a why for some things and not for others. But why would that be?

Needless to say, I’m just throwing this out there. I’ll probably change my mind in a while. But being pregnant and/or suffering with infertility, I feel certain, raises this theme in everyone that goes through it.

While I’m on this little rant I’ll go ahead and throw out there how much I hate our society’s terminology for pregnancy loss. Like “miscarry”, it sounds like the woman failed to properly carry her baby to term and so she in some way is faulted. Or, “she lost the baby”…what mother sets out to do that. Couldn’t we say “the baby was lost?” The reality is that most babies that are lost early on are not genetically flawless and are unable to continue growth. It has nothing to do with the mother, who in most cases is already madly in love with the little one.

I’m grateful to the very core of my being that I’m pregnant and everything is going so fantastically. I’m also prone to worry because I’m pregnant and everything is going so fantastically. Why? Because I know that things happen and they are generally beyond our control, and lack of control over something as basic as your own body is hard to adjust to. I’m trying, I’m really making a conscious effort to let go and let God and begging him to please, please, not take this little life away from me/us.


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