How to pee like a Marine.

Otherwise known as, how to pee in a nasty bathroom without throwing up too.

The Baker and I recently embarked on a little (1,500 miles each way) road trip (because I am terrified of flying and am 100% convinced that it would be our luck that our plane would just fall out of the sky) to visit the family. Road trips, sans caffiene, with all night driving, whilst in weeks 10 – 12 of a pregnancy, can only bring two things…pee and vomit. A girl’s gotta pee and roadside bathrooms ALWAYS present their own little Amityville Horror.  So, I have learned to pee like a Marine.

Scene: The middle of New Mexico, a tiny crap shack gas station.

I entered the gas station, quickly surveying the entire scene. The floor was clean, the Icee machines were working, the shelves were fully stocked. A glimmer of hope…this bathroom might be clean.

I spied the bathroom door and opened it. There is NO ventilation but there are Two choices.

1. Stall #1 … it has been ripped to the studs. There is no tank on the top of the toilet bowl. The floor has been jack hammered apart. There is hair…there is poop. A pile of poo, that some ass hat left in a clearly destructed stall, which has now decomposed so that the remaining liquid (pee I’m sure) has now all turned brown.

2. Stall #2….the door is shut.

Things that went through my mind.

“Quick. Take one last breath.” “Oh shit (literally)” “Where’s the men’s room?”

I went for stall #2 out of an obscene urgency that only pregnancy and 300 miles without stopping can bring.

I started violently gagging and all I could think was “Do what you’re trained to do!” This meant, smell your wrist/shirt/ armpit…anything with fragrance. BURY your nose there and focus on making it out clean and not covered in vomit.  Pee fast. Pee furious. Pee like a Marine. HooooRAH!

Victory was mine and was rewarded with a 6AM ice cream cone.


1 Response so far »

  1. 1

    s.e. said,

    Love this post. I didn’t know how Marines peed before. You have a creative, storytelling way of writing that I enjoy reading. And good for you for the early morning reward!

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