Bun Quest

Otherwise known as, how to pee in a nasty bathroom without throwing up too.

The Baker and I recently embarked on a little (1,500 miles each way) road trip (because I am terrified of flying and am 100% convinced that it would be our luck that our plane would just fall out of the sky) to visit the family. Road trips, sans caffiene, with all night driving, whilst in weeks 10 – 12 of a pregnancy, can only bring two things…pee and vomit. A girl’s gotta pee and roadside bathrooms ALWAYS present their own little Amityville Horror.  So, I have learned to pee like a Marine.

Scene: The middle of New Mexico, a tiny crap shack gas station.

I entered the gas station, quickly surveying the entire scene. The floor was clean, the Icee machines were working, the shelves were fully stocked. A glimmer of hope…this bathroom might be clean.

I spied the bathroom door and opened it. There is NO ventilation but there are Two choices.

1. Stall #1 … it has been ripped to the studs. There is no tank on the top of the toilet bowl. The floor has been jack hammered apart. There is hair…there is poop. A pile of poo, that some ass hat left in a clearly destructed stall, which has now decomposed so that the remaining liquid (pee I’m sure) has now all turned brown.

2. Stall #2….the door is shut.

Things that went through my mind.

“Quick. Take one last breath.” “Oh shit (literally)” “Where’s the men’s room?”

I went for stall #2 out of an obscene urgency that only pregnancy and 300 miles without stopping can bring.

I started violently gagging and all I could think was “Do what you’re trained to do!” This meant, smell your wrist/shirt/ armpit…anything with fragrance. BURY your nose there and focus on making it out clean and not covered in vomit.  Pee fast. Pee furious. Pee like a Marine. HooooRAH!

Victory was mine and was rewarded with a 6AM ice cream cone.

The new nick name for my nose. I know this is mega gross, but can I just tell you that the entirety of the mucous membrane inside my nose is a  giant scab. A big, bloody scab. It’s been this way since two weeks before my cold, and it returned right after my cold. I’m hesitant to aggressively line my nasal passages with Vaseline (as is recommended by some pregnancy books) b/c I did that once just before my cold and then I got sick. Maybe Vaseline just traps germs and lets them breed.

Saturday Morning Live.

I woke up this morning at 6:16AM. I laid in bed for a good 10 minutes assessing how close to ralphing I really was. Toooooo close, tooooooo close for comfort. I decided a piece of toast would be prudent. Never in my whole life did I ever think that I would say a dead serious prayer regarding the speed of the toaster. I only had one close call with gagging, which since I am incapable of throwing up alone (you have to be careful you know, one might choke and die on their own vomit), required me to disturb my sleeping husband and have him rub my back. Luckily, he’s really, really, unnecessarily  sweet when he’s still too asleep to realize I’ve  woken  him up.  Anyhow, the toast took the edge off. Now, I have to wait until my fave breakfast restaurant opens at 9AM…..9AM for breakfast!!!! It’s forever…especially when your only two television  programming “choices” are  infomercials and  shows for children under 5 years old.  “Thanks  Alex, I’ll take shows for children under 5 for $1000!”

Tonight, in less than 2 hours, the Baker will give me my last shot and our supplies will be laid to rest! That’s right, my LAST SHOT!!! We are both excited at the prospect of not having to rearrange schedules for shots, and being able to just go to bed without 15 minutes of icing, plus the shot, then at least 30 minutes on the heating pad. I will admit that even though I’m excited not to endure these shots any longer, I am a little worried that I might start spotting or something bad once I stop. I have been assured by the RE that this won’t happen and I’m sure she’s right!

In other news.

1. My nausea has changed. Eating no longer makes the nausea go away, in fact sometimes I have to convince myself to fight the gag reflex and keep eating to quell my underlying hunger and avoid a headache.

2. Gagging has become unpredictable, spontaneous, and rather violent. It’s awful. It’s embarrasing.

3. My beta on Saturday was 96,414. I know this b/c I had unrelenting back pain all day on Saturday and we went to the ER to be safe rather than sorry. No spotting, no consistent cramping. Everything was fine, except for the altercation I got into with this wretched nurse who dared to enter the room without speaking to the doctor or reading my chart first and tried to start an IV which was never ordered, threatened to “stick with me multiple needles” if I did not agree to a hep lock or IV (which she did not know the difference), tried make me put a gown on for a simple blood draw, and insisted that a transvaginal ultra-sound could be done with my pants on (seriously) all the while speaking to me with a seriously appalling attitude I would assume she reserves for those she holds in the utmost contempt. A private chat with the charge nurse resulted in a fantastic and competent nurse being assigned. All is well.

4. I struggle to swallow my pre-natal vitamin with throwing up every single night. Sigh.

5. Tomorrow is our first midwife appointment, I’m excited.

Sometimes late at night (past 6pm) I think about odd and random things. I checked on Natalie at Relaxing Doesn’t Make Babies today, and cried after reading her post about the memorial they had for Devin. I read Monica Mingo’s website and her 4th IVF attempt was not successful despite everything being “perfect” (and that she had pneumonia during the TWW). Then I got to thinking, why?

Why do we need an answer to why? Why do we even want an answer to why? If why was answered (assuming there even is an answer) would it create suffering or peace? Is why a question that God cares about, is it even in His realm of being? Or is why something that humans invented because we can’t stand the possibility that things happen on their own completely out of our control. How do God’s will and our free will play into why?

I don’t think that purpose and why are the same thing. I think that some things occur purposefully, but maybe not all things. Maybe some events just occur. The idea that everything has a purpose seems to imply that bad things were purposed  to happen with malice and aforethought and such. The idea that there is always a why implies that somewhere there lies blame/credit. Why is a couple infertile? Certainly not because of any fault of their own, certainly not b/c God felt like their marriage needed a struggle, etc. Maybe it just is. I believe that God works good into everything, a silver lining so to speak, no matter how thin. But, I think that generally He’s working with results and not causes.

Now, with all this talk of why, I’m talking about an intangible why. For example, not why is the sky blue = because of the prism and water in the atmosphere. But, why was the sky created in such a way that blue would be the color of the prism that is reflected, rather than any of the others? Maybe the issue here is human tendency to believe in absolutes, if there is a why for one thing then there must be a why for everything. Maybe that’s just not true and there is a why for some things and not for others. But why would that be?

Needless to say, I’m just throwing this out there. I’ll probably change my mind in a while. But being pregnant and/or suffering with infertility, I feel certain, raises this theme in everyone that goes through it.

While I’m on this little rant I’ll go ahead and throw out there how much I hate our society’s terminology for pregnancy loss. Like “miscarry”, it sounds like the woman failed to properly carry her baby to term and so she in some way is faulted. Or, “she lost the baby”…what mother sets out to do that. Couldn’t we say “the baby was lost?” The reality is that most babies that are lost early on are not genetically flawless and are unable to continue growth. It has nothing to do with the mother, who in most cases is already madly in love with the little one.

I’m grateful to the very core of my being that I’m pregnant and everything is going so fantastically. I’m also prone to worry because I’m pregnant and everything is going so fantastically. Why? Because I know that things happen and they are generally beyond our control, and lack of control over something as basic as your own body is hard to adjust to. I’m trying, I’m really making a conscious effort to let go and let God and begging him to please, please, not take this little life away from me/us.

I have wasted no time in arranging appointments (I’m so proud of myself for not dragging my feet)! Our first appointment with the midwife (the one the doula recommends, who delivers at the hospital) is April 16th! I’m excited and curious, there aren’t a lot of books that explain the pre-natal midwife happenings.

Our little bun is just to the right of the circular yolk sac, and shaped like a shrimp (head up)!!!

Otherwise I’d be showing you a picture of our little 14mm bun, whose heart rate is averaging 160 beats per minute!!!!! The camera battery is charging and I will get the picture up ASAP!

In other news, I called the doula I have my eye on and set up an appointment for May 5th. She seems great and gave me a couple of names to look into for either an OB or midwife (who practices in an OB group). She confirmed that the hospital that I want is “the best” for natural birth. I did a comparison on my insurance’s website, and it looks great in comparison to other area hospital that everyone raves about.

C-Section Rate = 30.4% (vs. 38.3% at the other hospital)

VBAC (not that this matter to me, but it shows their mentality) = 11.1% (vs. 2.7% at the other hospital)

Episotomy (ouch!) = 10.4% (vs. 22.5% at the other hospital)

Complications (number, not percent) = 63 (vs. 76 at the other hospital)

Now, the “other” hospital is fantastic. Very nice, it’s where we did our IVF and where the Baker went to the ER, and where I was born, and where my HLM (hetero life mate) was born. Nothing but great experiences. It’s just that they’re not totally into the natural thing, like my first choice hospital is. The biggie is that the hospital where I want to deliver is the only hospital  (that I know of) that allows midwives to deliver at the hospital.

With regards to the midwife thing. I have confirmed that this midwife I have my eye on practices in a group with one other midwife and eight OB’s (4 of which are on a teaching staff). If a complication arises at any point your care is simply changed to a provider her office, if something comes up at birth the on call MD is there (b/c they have already been notified that you are birthing and they may be needed) and again, you deliver in the hospital…not at home or at a birthing center.

So I’m feeling better. Not 100% but at least 90%. It was weird, while I was sick I was less exhausted and less nauseous. And now it’s a trade, the less snotty I get, the more nauseous and tired I get.

Tomorrow is our ultrasound. Naturally, I’m a little nervous. I’ll just keep praying that we see a beautiful, right on target, heartbeat tomorrow.